Surviving the Stresses of Life-Parenting – How to Communicate Love to Your Teens.
Parenting – How to Communicate Love to Your Teens.
| SERIES:
Surviving the Stresses of Life
| DATE:
October 19, 2014
| SCRIPTURE REFERENCE:
Ephesians 6:1-3, Proverbs 1:8-9, Proverbs 13:24, Ephesians 1:4; John 15:17
|
Scripture Reading
Let us rise to our feet and together read Ephesians 6:1-3, Proverbs 1:8-9, Proverbs 13:24, Ephesians 1:4; John 15:17
Let us rise to our feet and together read Ephesians 6:1-3, Proverbs 1:8-9, Proverbs 13:24, Ephesians 1:4; John 15:17
Ephesians
6:1-3
1 – Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
2 – “Honor your father and mother” – which is the first commandment with a promise-
3 – that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
Proverbs
1:8-9
8 – Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.
9 – They will be a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck.
Proverbs
13:24
24 – He who spares the rod hates his son but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.
Ephesians
1:4
4 – Fathers do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
John
15:17
17- This is My command: Love one another.
This is the word of God.
Thanks be to the LORD.
May the sweet Holy Spirit add His manifold blessings to our text this morning.... Amen!
You may be seated in God's Presence.
Introduction
Several
years ago I remember reading about a multi-million dollar un-manned
space probe that was launched from Cape Canaveral to do research on
the surface of the planet Mars in USA. This probe contained all the
latest scientific gadgets - equipment that would be used to gather
never before known facts about our closest planetary neighbor. But
unfortunately not long after the probe started its descent to the
surface of Mars, it abruptly stopped sending information-and nothing
they did was able to resolve the problem. It was as if the spacecraft
had ceased to exist. And, indeed that is what happened. You see, the
probe had crashed into the side of a Martian mountain. Well, in the
investigation that followed, scientists discovered that the crash was
caused by a COMMUNICATION PROBLEM between the probe and NASA.
Apparently Houston was giving its altitude adjustment commands in
terms of METERS but the space craft was only able to “think” in
terms of YARDS or FEET. In other words, someone forgot to tell one of
the programmers to use the metric system. And because of this
subsequent inability to communicate, the space craft was
destroyed-millions of dollars and years of research all down the
tube.
Sermon
Now, I remind you of this incident because there is a very real sense in which our adolescent children are headed for a similar fate and for the same basic reason. You see, many of our teen-aged kids are on a collision course with the inevitable mountainous problems of life, because, as parents, we are unable to COMMUNICATE with them in terms they understand-unable to convey a message they desperately need to hear if they are to steer a safe course through life.
And
this crucial message I’m referring to is the simple truth that
their parents love them. Now, please hear me when I say that this is
indeed a VITALLY important message because if our teens are to make
it in life they need more than food and clothing and a roof over
their heads. They also have an inborn need to be loved. In 1997 the
Journal of the American Medical Association reported the results of a
recent federally funded study of 12,000 teens a study that revealed
the fact that teenagers who don’t smoke, drink, engage in
pre-marital sex, take drugs, or commit acts of violence - these teens
say the number one reason they don’t do all these things is because
they know without a shadow of a doubt that they are loved by their
parents. That important message has somehow gotten through to these
particular
teens.
And they say that this knowledge - more than anything else - helps them
steer clear of the behavioral problems that ruin the lives of so many
of their peers.
The
fact is-people who grow up to become healthy,
well-adjusted adults can almost always look back to at least one
parent who loved them irrationally-a mom or a dad who loved them with
a love they didn't have to
earn. Bill Hybels puts it this way, “To grow up NORMALLY, every
human being has to be loved ABNORMALLY.” We all need to know that
no matter what, we are loved and valued and cherished.
This
week I asked Pastor Sunil Billa to poll our youth at Kurnool
and their answers confirm this basic parenting principle. I mean, our
own teens said the love of their moms and dads was important to them
because, and I quote:
“…it encourages me to move on in life, makes me feel wanted, makes me feel safe…”
“…it gives me hope…”
“…it gives me a reason to keep trying…”
“…it makes me feel like I’m worth something…I feel wanted-I don’t feel like a mistake.”
Our
youth ALSO said that WITHOUT a parents’ love, and again I quote
from their replies to this survey:
- “…you won’t feel good about yourself and loving others won’t come easy.”
- “…you’d feel lonely, depressed, and angry.”
- “…teens will look for love from someone else…and will get into trouble.”
- “…they’ll get bad grades at school, do fag… have low self-esteem, drink, cut their wrists, hang out with bad friends, give into peer pressure, rebel… …and do other bad things to get their parents’ attention.”
This last response reminds me of something I heard about Adolescence Isn't Terminal written by KevinLehman. In it shared the true account of a sixteen-year-old girl who admitted that she got pregnant just because she knew if she did, her mom and dad would start “taking care of her” again. So mom’s and dad’s, the tragic truth is, if we don’t communicate love to our teens - if we don’t get this message across to them - then there is a very good chance that just like the old song lyric says, they will go, “…looking for love in all the WRONG places.”
Now, I would imagine that all parents CLAIM to love their children and I’m sure most of them really do-but as I have said the problem is one of communication. So many of us don’t know how to get this vitally important message across to our teens in terms that they understand. I mean, its easy to tell a baby or a little child we love them and we do that all the time, but when our kids become teens we tend to stop broadcasting this nurturing message. Maybe its because they are bigger and they seem so self-reliant. Maybe its because we’re too involved in our careers to take the time, but for whatever reason many parents stop sending this message of love and as I've pointed out this can lead to disastrous - very STRESSFUL - results in our homes.
Well,
this morning I’d like to help us deal with this issue by suggesting
five basic things that we as parents must do if we are to make sure
our teens get this important message, five things we can do so that
they will know that no matter what WE LOVE THEM.
1. And the first is to simply TELL them - to use WORDS to communicate our love.
Several
of our teens in our ministry said as much on their surveys. Over and
over again they said, they want - they need - to HEAR their parents say
these three words. Now, I know it feels awkward to say, “I love
you” to a teenager. I mean, let’s be honest: it’s easier to
tell an adoring three-year - old, “I love you” than it is to tell
a gangly, pimply-faced thirteen-year-old who is always on the phone
or who is always borrowing your clothes without asking. But the truth
is our TEENS need to hear these three - words just as much as our
TODDLERS do! In fact, adolescence is the stage in life when loving,
affirming words are needed the MOST. You see teens struggle with
their identity and because they do they constantly doubt their value,
especially in comparison to others. As adults we should remember that
adolescence is an emotionally trying time in which words of loving
affirmation can make all the difference.
Now - let
me give you a couple of tips when it comes to getting these three words
from your mouth into your teens’ ears.
First
off, I wouldn’t advise that you say to your adolescent son or
daughter, “Hey! I love you!” while they are standing in the midst
of a crowd of their peers. Personal experience has shown me that
doesn’t go over too well because it can embarrass our teens as they
seek to look “grown up” and self-sufficient to their friends. So
tell them at home or when you are alone with them in the car but tell
them!
Another
thing - sometimes the best way to SAY “I love you” is to use
OTHER words. For example, “I’m proud of you.” Or “I like the
way you handled yourself in that situation.” Or “I enjoyed our
time together. You’re a fun person to be with!” Or “If I could
choose any teenager in the world to be my child, I would choose you!”
Our
sincere verbal affection can also be communicated by complimenting
various attributes of our teen’s personality. I mean, they will
hear, “I love you” when you say, “You are so steady. I like the
way you think before you speak.” Or “I love the way you encourage
people. I was so proud of the way you spent time with that lonely kid
who just moved here.”
By
the way, moms and dads, when we do this - when we express our pride in
our kids-we are acting like our Heavenly Father Who said to those
witnessing His own Son’s baptism, “This is My Son in Whom I AN
WELL-PLEASED.” (Matthew 3:17)
And
then, another way to get this message across is to compliment your
teen PHYSICALLY. And this works-this hits home-because so often teens
don’t feel good about their appearance.
In
his classic work on youth ministry, Five Cries of Youth, Merton
Strommen said the loudest adolescent “cry” is the “cry of
self-hatred.” His research showed over and over again that many
teens just don’t feel good about themselves physically. They hate
the way they look. There was a song that was popular when I was a
teen that expressed this. Do these words sound familiar:
Well,
this song is no longer in the top 40 but its lyrics still express the
inner feelings of many young people. I mean, our kids fight to
control their pimples and their squeaky changing voices; sometimes
they stumble around because their limbs literally grow faster than
the nerves that control them and all this makes them feel
unattractive. They don’t feel LOVELY and so it is important to
compliment their looks by conveying genuine compliments to your
DAUGHTER for example like, “You have beautiful eyes!” or “Your
hair looks great today.” or for example to your SON like, “You
are one strong young man! I like jogging with you but I can’t keep
up!”
And
then, one other way to say, “I love you” to your teen is to
simply ask their opinion about something. This shows them that their
views are important to you - which helps them to see that they are as
well. So,
the first way to communicate your love to your teen is to use words
to TELL them you love them.
2. And then, a second way to get this message across is by GIVING our teens thoughtful gifts.
This
is a way of saying, “I value you. I know what your needs are and
love you enough to meet them.” So, pay attention parents. Study
your teen-aged children and then out of the blue (not
on their birthday or at Christmas) give them gifts of the things you
see they need-no strings attached.
One man of God said:
"One
time I heard my daughters expressing their frustration because
neither had a pair of jeans that fit right but they both had tons of
homework and had no time to shop. So, I went to Hechts and got about
ten pairs in each of their sizes and brought them home. I told them
to try them all on and that they could each pick two pairs - and then I
returned the rest. Now, to be honest, my motives were somewhat
selfish. I mean I knew it would take me far less time to go to
Hechts, grab twenty pair of jeans, come home, then return the rest,
than it would for me to take them shopping to find two pairs that
they liked - but I was so happy at their response. I mean, they were
thrilled when I came in the door with all that denim - I felt like I
really “connected” with them that day - that they realized their
dad did in fact love them a great deal and he does! This experience
reminded me that thoughtful gifts are indeed a great way to
communicate love.
When
I was in High School my dad shocked me by taking me
shopping - not for jeans but for a car. I’d been telling him how much
I wanted one for months but I never thought he’d actually taken my
requests seriously. He’d always just say, “We can’t afford it
son.”
Well,
Dad asked the price and then told me he was sorry but it was beyond
his financial means - and I believed him. I knew how tight money was in
my family. Several months passed and I pretty much forgot about the
car but on the last day of school when I came home it was sitting in
the drive way - freshly washed and waxed. Now, I know that was a costly
gift. I still don’t know how he paid for it but in so doing my dad
communicated his love to me. That thoughtful, sacrificial gift made
me understand very clearly that my dad knew my needs and desires as a
teen-aged boy and loved me enough to find a way to meet them. It
communicated to me that he noticed what my life was like and valued
my feelings.
Now,
I'm not saying you have to go out and buy your kids a mustang in
order for them to know that you love them. I don’t want any of our
teens going home today and say, “Dad the pastor said if you REALLY
love me you’ll go out and buy me a hot car. By the way, I know how
valuable your time is so I’ve circled some ads in the paper.” No -
but what I AM saying is that some kids will hear our love for them
best in THOUGHTFUL gifts little or big - things that we get for them
because we know they need them.
And,
while I’m on the subject of giving I want to point out that the
greatest gift - the most thoughtful thing you can give your teens is a
personal relationship with Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. This is
the one gift that truly keeps on giving and giving. Patrick Henry
that famous early American statesman once said the following
concerning the disposition of his estate:
“I have now disposed of all my property to my family. There is one thing more I wish I could give them, and that is the Christian religion. If they had that, and I had not given them one shilling, they would have been rich. And if they had not that and I had given them all the world, they would be poor.”
Now,
I know you can’t give them salvation. You can’t make this
decision for them but you can tell them all that Jesus means to you.
You can take them to church and do all you can to involve them in a
youth ministry like our own where the gospel is proclaimed. And most
importantly you can take the time to interact with them so they SEE
by the way you live-how real and precious your relationship with
Jesus really is. The godly example of your life - your personal walk
with Jesus - is the best thing any parent can give their child!
3. And this leads to the third way to get our love message across and it is by spending TIME with our teens.
Now, time is valuable - that’s why we talk about
“spending” it - and our teens know this. They know that our work, our careers,
our time is valuable and important to us. We communicate that fact all too
clearly! So when we put our careers aside to be with them a sort of instinctive
algebra kicks in. They think, “Career is important to dad. Dad stops career to
be with me. Therefore to my Dad I am more important than career! Wow!”
And spending time with our kids is a Biblical
concept. In Deuteronomy 6 when Moses tells parents to tell their kids all about
God’s loving laws, he says they are to do it when? “…when you sit at home and
when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up…”
In other words it implies that parenting is a
TIME - consuming task.
Now, I’ve met several parents who have said that
when it comes to time quantity isn’t important - it’s quality time that counts.
But this is a myth. I mean, it just doesn’t work that way. You can’t say to
your teen, “Okay…I have thirty minutes. Let’s get into an intense, in - depth
conversation before I have to go back to work.” No, to get some QUALITY time
with your teens you have to have chunks of QUANTITY time because they usually
won’t open up until we include them in a large block of our time. In other
words, we need to plant some SEEMINGLY wasted minutes to harvest a few special
moments. For example, if you sit down and give you daughter your undivided
QUANTITY attention here’s what she might say: “Well, dad, then we went to the
mall, but nothing much was happening there except a sale at Big Bazzar and I
found the cutest top but they didn’t have my size. Then we got a smoothie at
the new eatery. They have this sour water melon/strawberry/apple flavor that is
awesome! You should try it! Anyway, later we went to this party at Melissa’s
house. You remember her sister? She was a captain a few years ago. She - I
mean Melissa - lives down by Aroma. Her sister is in college now. I forget
what she’s majoring in…. but any way some guys who usually hang out and smoke at
Aroma heard about the a party at Melissa’s and crashed it. I mean nobody
knew them but they just showed up. And you wouldn’t believe what happened
next….”
Do you see what I mean? When it comes to
conversing with our teens there’s a sense in which you have to put up with a
lot of “oysters” to get a few “pearls.” And putting up with those
oysters-giving our teens our undivided attention even while they tell us the
relatively unimportant things about their lives - well for many of them, this
communicates our love more clearly than anything else.
But, the truth is REALLY loving your teens
literally takes TIME!
This week I read of a frightened 18 year old boy
convicted of a crime standing in front of a stern judge who happened to be a
close personal friend of the boy’s father. The judge told the young man that he
was a disgrace to the community and his family. He sternly said, “You ought to
be ashamed of yourself, disgracing your family’s name, causing your parents a
great deal of anguish and embarrassment. Your father is an upright citizen in
this community. I have personally served on numerous committees with him and
know of his commitment to this city. I count your father as a close personal friend
and it is with deep regret that I have to sentence you this day for your
crime.”
With his head bowed in obvious embarrassment,
the young man listened as the judge went on and on like this. Then, before the
sentence was passed, he asked if he could speak. He looked up at the judge and
said, “Sir, I do not mean to be disrespectful or to make excuses for my
behavior. But I envy you a great deal. You see, there were many days and nights
that I wanted to be my father’s best friend. There were many times when I
needed his help with school work, in some of my college and adolescent situations, and in some
of the difficult times that I faced as a teenager. But my father was gone a great deal, probably on
some of those committees with you or playing golf. I’ve always felt like other
things were more important to him than I was. I don’t mean this disrespectfully
but I truly wish I knew my father like you do.”
Stunned by the boy’s words, the judge placed him
on probation and ordered that he boy and his father were to spend time together
every week, getting to know each other. The father obviously was humiliated by
the sentence but it caused him to get to know his son better and that was the
turning point in his son’s life.
Dads and moms, it shouldn’t take a judge to get
us to spend some of our valuable time on our kids! If we don’t do this, we will
be hard pressed to get them to believe we love them.
4. And
then, a fourth basic way to communicate love to your teen is to TOUCH them.
Now, as I’m sure you know, many parents touch
their teens less than they did in their elementary years. And this is sad because
appropriate touch is needed MORE in the teen years, not less.
Granted, you moms out there can’t hug your
64 Kg wicket keeper son and give him a kiss as you drop him off in front of the
high school, but you CAN give him a pat on the shoulder as you drive - that is
BEFORE you enter the parking lot which we all know is a “parents-don’t-touch
their teens zone.” And, you CAN give him a back rub after he comes home from a
game and you can and should hug him when he’s home!
By the way, withholding appropriate physical
touch from our teenage daughters is also a big mistake for many reasons.
Experts say that a great deal of their self-esteem as a female comes from their
father’s giving them something as simple as a hug. The sad fact is that if we
don’t communicate love in this way - if we don’t give our teens meaningful loving
touches - they will often go elsewhere to have this need met. Dr. Marc Hollender,
a noted psychiatrist interviewed scores of women who have had three or more
unwanted pregnancies. Overwhelmingly, these woman said that they were
consciously aware that sexual activity was a price to be paid for being cuddled
and held. Studies have also shown that a vast majority of homosexual men shared
one thing in common: the absence of meaningful touch from their fathers early
in life.
So, if you want your teens to feel your love - let
them LITERALLY feel it through your meaningful affectionate touch!
5. And then I want to point out one final way we
communicate love to our teens and its by DISCIPLINING them.
You see, if we don’t discipline them we are
telling them we don’t care what happens to them in life. And without guidance
bad WILL happen because as God’s Word clearly teaches all of us are sinners-and
our sins always have negative, painful, heart-breaking consequences. So,
withholding the necessary Godly discipline from our children is like sitting
back and watching them ruin their lives. Proverbs 19:18 puts it this way, “If
you don’t discipline your children you are helping them destroy themselves.”
Now, it takes a lot of time and energy to
discipline teens and so when we don’t we are telling them, “I don’t love you
enough to make the effort to enforce guidelines that will protect you in life.”
As Proverbs 13:24 says, “If you refuse to discipline your child it proves you
don’t love them.”
Now, most teens won’t admit this, but they WANT
rules and they WANT to be disciplined if they break them. They gain assurance
and comfort from knowing that there are loving but firm rules - that there is
structure in their life - especially in our culture where morals are always
changing. In fact, a study was done a few years ago that showed that juvenile
offenders who had parents who did NOT give them boundaries said things like
this:
“I wish my parents would shake me up… punish me
when I first go wrong… convince me that more severe measures will come if I
continue to misbehave. I wish they would call my bluff and stand firm on what
is right even when I threaten to run away or drop out of school.”
This reminds me of those “parents: the
anti-drug” commercials we see on TV these days where the teen says to his mom
or dad, “You grounded me. You made me study. You took away my car. You told me
not to hang around with certain people. You made my life miserable…. THANKS
Dad!”
Now, I think it is important here to note the
difference between discipline and punishment. The purpose of punishment is to
inflict penalty. So punishment focuses on the past. But the purpose of
discipline is to promote growth. So it focuses on the future. In short, we
discipline our teens then because we love them too much to let their sin nature
take control of their future lives.
Invitation and Final Challenge
So, to
make sure your teens get this vital message that you love them no matter what
If you are not a Christian I invite you to respond to God’s great love gift by admitting your sin and asking His forgiveness. Give Him your life to use as He sees fit. If you are here today and are already a Christian but don’t have a church home perhaps our Heavenly Father is guiding you to join this church family. Some of us may need to respond to this message by asking God to help you be a better parent. And, teens, if you have a parent who has followed these principles you may need to go to them sometime soon and thank them for all they have done to express their love to you. While you’re at it-express your love to them! If you have a decision that you wish to make public I encourage you to do so now, by walking forward and sharing it with me as we stand and sing.
And no one - absolutely no one gives like God. Do you remember Jesus’ words, “If you-though you are evil-know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts!” Of course God’s greatest gift was His Son. As John 3:16 says, “God so loved” you and me “that He GAVE His only Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”
If you are not a Christian I invite you to respond to God’s great love gift by admitting your sin and asking His forgiveness. Give Him your life to use as He sees fit. If you are here today and are already a Christian but don’t have a church home perhaps our Heavenly Father is guiding you to join this church family. Some of us may need to respond to this message by asking God to help you be a better parent. And, teens, if you have a parent who has followed these principles you may need to go to them sometime soon and thank them for all they have done to express their love to you. While you’re at it-express your love to them! If you have a decision that you wish to make public I encourage you to do so now, by walking forward and sharing it with me as we stand and sing.
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